You ain’t got no alibi, you Ugly

One thing about trying to read authors you like on the internet, it can be hard as hell to keep up with them.  For instance, Michael Lewis always has great long-form articles, but I never know when and where to expect them.  Matt Taibbi has had no fewer than three separate blog sites in the last 9 months.  At any rate, I just stumbled upon his latest one and wanted to share a funny article from earlier this spring about ugly athletes.  Suffice it to say, 80’s-era Celtics are featured prominently.  But this description of Kevin Youkilis wins the prize:

Youk has only three body parts, all hideously oversized: an enormous set of gnomish, bushy forearms; a massive, casaba melon–size white head; and a cauldronlike belly. He has a truly awesome bristle of thick red chin hair that makes his face look like a cross between a vagina and something out of The Hobbit. At the plate he disgustingly gushes sweat by some means previously unknown to science in which the moisture travels upward along his body, racing in a cascade from his balls and armpits up his neck, over his head, and back down over the bill of his helmet to shower the plate. Whereas a guy like Teixeira was born with a swing so gorgeous you want to paint it, Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine.

I would quote the bit about the Celtics, but it’s too damn funny for me to pull out of context.  Go read the whole thing.

  • Jimmy Reefercake

    man, that was really good, Taibbi is a master. a little more Larry the legend would have been nice, I mean its more than just a bad sweater hick, Larry has no lips, tiny chiclet-sized teeth, the huge beak, and the tight shorts with barely any muscle definition on his entire body….and parralel him to his modern day version Scallabrini.

  • Madman

    The Area 51 division was my favorite. Here’s a link to Don Mossi to save you the google. My goodness.

  • Pinko

    I knew chicks in high school who thought Adam Oates was hot. In fact, for that reason, I sculpted my mullet after his.

    The Methuselah category had me howling. Some glaring omissions in the article…Big Unit, Bill Walton (dominated two categories: gland freak and swamp thing), Kelly Tripuka (cross Seinfeld and a Swamp Thing), and one I lifted from the comments….WILLIE MCGEE! He passed the torch to Cassel. Speaking of Cassel, the Celtics had to have him, even if it was just a one year rental….and not because they needed a backup PG.

    El Guapo is a true enigma…a handsome, fat athlete.

  • M.Uila

    The references to the Big Donkeys kept breaking me up.

    Youre absolutely right about Willie McGee. In the Methuselah category I would add Otis Nixon, who looked to be about 50 when he retired.

    Speaking of ballplayers, did everyone see this bit on the Daily Show about Lenny Dykstra?

    The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
    Lenny Dykstra’s Financial Career
    http://www.thedailyshow.com
    Daily Show
    Full Episodes
    Political Humor Joke of the Day
  • Jimmy Reefercake

    ha lenny is broke!!! that is friggin hilarious!!